Last modified: Wednesday, May 18, 2005 11:04 AM PDT

After Diane Oran lost her husband to the debilitating neurological disease of ALS eight years ago she decided to open The Healing Center for Grieving Children in Sacramento. PICO VAN HOUTRYVE/ THE PRESS-TRIBUNE

Grappling with Grief

By: Susan Belknap, The Press-Tribune

When Diane Oran lost her husband to the debilitating neurological disease of ALS eight years ago, it was difficult to explain to her two young children what had happened.

Oran, a Granite Bay resident, knew as a nurse that grieving the loss of a loved one is difficult for anyone, but especially hard for children. That's why she decided to open The Healing Center for Grieving Children in Sacramento.

"Children grieve differently than adults," she said. "It's especially difficult for them to understand how people can be here one day and gone the next day. Most children don't have the ability to understand that death is permanent until they are about 9 years old."

Oran said when her husband died she realized her children, Alex, 11, and Katie, 9, needed a place to go to grieve.

Oran learned of the works at the Dougy Center, National Center for Grieving Children in Portland, Ore. She attended a training institute at the Oregon center, became board certified and opened the Sacramento center in 2002.

"We currently have 12 trained, volunteer facilitators who have received 30 hours of training," Oran said. "The facilitators are there to provide support but not counseling."

Oran said the facilitators involved with the Sacramento center are trained to know the signs of someone who is in need of more than the support the center can offer and will refer them to other sources if necessary. All facilitators are supervised by experienced, professional coordinators.

The approach of the Sacramento center is modeled after the Dougy Institute where family members gather together before breaking off into different groups according to age, from 3 years old up to age 18. Adults have their own group.

Mary Swimley of Davis has been a facilitator since the center opened. She has been predominantly involved with helping grieving teenagers.

"It's different for teens," she said. "They understand the permanence of death, but for many it's not cool to show emotion, especially for the boys who often have a hard time expressing themselves."

Swimley said when a loved one dies, a feeling of isolation takes over. Coming to the center and seeing a whole group going through the same issue is helpful for many people.

Oran said the goals of the center are to make sure the child understands the person they are grieving for is really dead. The second goal is to get them to express emotion, which could be fear, anger or sadness, through art or play.

Roseville resident and member of Widows/Widowers Association Joy Heuser lost her adult daughter about seven years ago. She recalls how much art therapy helped her grandsons cope with the loss of their mother.

"I think it helped relieve the tension of the boys," she said. "Anything that can be done is helpful for children."

Oran also said her center seeks to encourage children to reinvest in life and begin new relationships.

"The time it takes to reach those goals is different with each child," Oran said. "They know when they are ready."

In addition to art and play, the center features a volcano room where patients can go to express their feelings. The walls are padded and there's even a punching bag where any anger or hostility can be vented.

"This is where families can go to utilize the big motor abilities," Oran said. "Adults are welcome as well."

Oran said if children do not express their grief, they could resort to unhealthy, self-destructive forms of expressing themselves through depression, anti-social behavior or getting in trouble with the law.

"If you don't deal with it, it could catch up with you later," Oran said.

Swimley aggress and recommends that families talk about the person they lost and answer any questions a child might have about death or the person who died.

"Don't take down all the photos in the house and pretend the person never existed," she advises.

The support groups at the center are free of charge. The center is run by grants and private donations. Contributions are accepted.

Currently the families at the center meet at a Sacramento church. Even though the facilitators are volunteers, it costs approximately $1,000 per year, per child served, to cover training costs and operational expenses. Oran said with more support more children could be served each year. She also hopes to someday find a permanent location.

For more information, call 791-8414 or visit www.grievingchild.net.

Susan Belknap can be reached at sbelknap@surewest.net.